I Know Better

I don’t always answer my phone, especially if I don’t recognize the number. This time however, I knew it was the middle school calling me. With an instant myriad of thoughts running through my mind, I answered. Something I don’t usually do at work, but when it may involve my child, all professionalism goes out the window.

“Hello.”

“Good morning. Is this Mrs. Bivens?”

“Yes, this is she.”

“This is Mr. ____, the principal at Eli’s school.”

Heart proceeds to start beating a bit faster.

“Hi, is everything okay?”

“Yes, however, Eli has gotten his phone taken away. We don’t allow phones to be out during the school day. He was caught in class with it out which results in an immediate call home from the principal and a parent must pick it up.”

“I understand and apologize for the inconvenience that you had to interrupt your day to make the phone call. He knows better.”

Eric and I both highly respect the principal of Eli’s school and his reasoning for such rules. As a result of the call, Eli’s phone was retrieved, a conversation was had, he learned a lesson, and we moved on. Something about the phone call never left me though. The moment I said, “He knows better,” a sort of empathy arose in me. I’ve “known better” many times, yet I still do what I know I shouldn’t.

·      I know I probably shouldn’t be watching this TV series, but I can’t stop now— I have to know how it ends.

·      I prayed in the morning asking Him to prepare my heart for the day ahead, but the first rude comment that came my way, I wanted to be rude right back.

·      I know not to judge others, yet I didn’t interrupt that very judgmental thought with a more understanding perspective.

·      I know Eric is right about something, but instead of proclaiming his rightness, I roll my eyes.

I allow myself to say, think, and do things I don’t want to do. Then try to make it okay by frosting it with a thick layer of “Next time I’m going to be better.” C.S. Lewis said it best when he said, “No man knows how bad he is until he has tried to be good.”

I know I’m not alone when it comes to falling prey to the fleshly side of myself: sinful attitudes and behaviors regardless of my desire to escape them.

Paul, the greatest apostle, reminds us we are not alone when he characterizes himself in Romans 7:15 by stating, “For I do not understand what I am doing, because I do not practice what I want to do, but I do what I hate.” He uses his own experience to show the struggle between our spiritual nature and the flesh. Picture an angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other. Our spiritual nature pulls toward good, but the flesh pulls in the opposite direction towards what we hate. Paul exposes the struggle and brings clarity to my inner confusion of wanting to do good, wanting to be better, wanting to be more like Jesus, yet finding it so hard on the daily. It’s exhausting when you think you must act good enough so you can be good enough. The struggle is real, but so is God and God is not sitting on his throne, his hand raised in the air with a finger wagging towards us saying, “You know better.” He knows I wag my own finger at myself enough, the whole time wishing I could act like a better Christian.

I can never act good enough on my own and the lovely part is, He doesn’t want me to. He does, however, know my full potential and in Him I can grow into all he has called me be. The performance of acting like a Christian won’t cover my sin— Jesus already did that on the cross and I believe that in my heart. Yet, it is a daily practice to know the good I ought to do and do it, as James tells us in James 4:17.

Just like we should make good food choices daily to lose weight or be healthy… just like an athlete must practice daily to win the prize… just like a Broadway star must act out the lines over-and-over again to perform it in front of an audience… we too, with help from the Holy Spirit, must practice and prepare to be ready for the everyday moments. We, who have died to self and found life in Christ, must work out our salvation every day. This is how growth and change come. Although life isn’t a performance that we act, we should consider every moment a practice and preparation for all the “next times” in life. And because it’s practice then, when we fall short, we get back up again, learn a lesson like Eli did, and know in confidence that He who began a good work in us will finish it to completion (Phil. 1:6) and he will strengthen us to the end (1 Cor. 1:8).

I can tell the days when I haven’t renewed my heart and mind by going to the Word before I’ve stepped out into the world, it’s easier to be pulled toward the direction of what I hate. The stronger my relationship with Jesus is, the stronger I am to move toward the good.